Showing posts tagged love


Falling in love is very nice because you get to hold hands, plan two person adventures and make out in the produce aisle while old people glare at you across the avocados.



Bitches be crazy (how not to f**k up your relationship)

After a recent coffee date during which I spent the entire time listening to tales of heartbreak and perceived deception leave my friend’s mouth and assault my ears, I decided enough was enough. I could no longer sit idly by and sip my skinny latte while I listened to such misguided intentions blow up my friend’s relationship like it was on the front line in Iraq. However, doling out advice to her was as well received as an STI check on your birthday, and as a result she firmly put on her ‘I’m right’ face and ignored me for the car ride home. Luckily for me I can’t see the interwebs ‘I’m right face’ so I am going to proceed to give all you significant others out there who are creating relationship landmines some long overdue advice, based on some real life scenarios I have recently encountered in the upside down world of relationships.

Case 1: The Making him jealous game

I have this friend, who likes to test her relationships by playing the ‘Is he jealous game’ in which she will make up a scenario involving herself and another boy asking her out, then tell her boyfriend and wait for a response. If he get’s jealous, she yells at him for not trusting her. If he doesn’t get jealous, she yells at him for not caring about her. If you are also playing this game, STOP IT. This is essentially creating problems where there are none, and somehow trying to trick him, to see how much he cares about you. Here’s a tip: just ask! If he doesn’t seem that into you, then games of intrigue and jealousy aren’t going to change that.

 Case 2: The Facebook game

So you may have just broken up with someone, or trying to get the attention of someone you like and as a result have a misguided intention of using facebook to show how amazingly well your life is going, a mash-up of hilarious drunk photos of you making new friends and self-indulgent status updates about moving on or having just met ‘Omfg the cutest guy ever! Hope he calls!’ This is embarrassing. Not only is the person you are interested in NOT sitting around looking at your facebook, everyone else you are friends with knows exactly what you are doing and is cringing in shame every time you post something in the hope that he is scrolling through your page. He’s not. Get outside and start a non-cyber life.

Case 3: The boy’s night out game

So he is having a boy’s night. You can’t stand it, so you spend the whole night obsessing over why he hasn’t written back to your text message and what he could be doing right now. LEAVE HIM ALONE. He is not writing back to you, because he is out with his friends, you talking about it with everyone you know is not only annoying but sad as well. Let him have his own friends, and if you can’t trust him enough to spend one night out without you, then you should not be allowed to have started this relationship in the first place

Case 4: Not meaning what you say game

‘I’m fine’. You’re clearly not fine you’re pissed off. He knows it and you know it. So here is a crazy idea, TELL HIM WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND. I don’t understand why you think telling him one thing when your feeling another is a good idea. He is not a mind reader and can’t help you fix things until you explain to him what is wrong. Also making him guess what has you so upset is not a true indicator of how well he knows you, it’s annoying and will soon lead to him yelling at you ‘I’M FINE!’

 Case 5: Forcing him to do things he hates game

Making him watch ‘The Notebook’ for the fifth time is not romantic. It’s torture. There is no need to force the person you are romantically involved with into completing every activity you love. For example: watching chick flicks, shopping, going to the ballet. This is why we have female friends, to complete these activities with us and actually enjoy them. Find things to do together that you both enjoy and then if he decides to spend a day doing things with you that you love, it is a nice surprise and a treat, not something he dreads all week long.


These are just a few of the examples I have encountered over recent years, however I know there are many more of these atrocities being completed. Crazy, clingy girls are not keepers. Smart, sexy, funny girls who are okay with being on their own, they are keepers. Be the one he wants to be with, not the one he is tricked into being with through mind games and baby talk. 

Kissing Checklist…

In a tent

During a blackout

Wearing a cape

On a hill

In the rain

Under the sheets

Playing monopoly

In a photo

The Gradual Demise of Phillipa Finch. 

Perfection in a book…. 

Some examples of the witty and eccentric writing: 

….He wove webs of emotional ambiguity around his female posse

….Waiting for anything deeper was an exercise in futility

….Phillipa hid her sadness under an enormous dress

….She cultivated pseudo happiness, the sad self grew a beard 

….The magic between them was faux, not real after all 


Once upon a time in a far away land (Newport) there lived a woman named Jenny Rivers. She had in her fortune the company of exquisite companions, a fondness for singing and a long-lasting desire for the color blue. During her young naïve years she pursued such activities as marrying a sailor, wearing miniskirts, listening to rock music and burying her head in countless forms of literature. She glided through her artistic aspirations leaving no blank canvas unturned.

 As she grew older, and her learning expanded she attempted lofty pursuits such as raising a child (blonde and quite adorable). She simultaneously tripped and floated her way through fat babies, Tommy crash cars, Barbies, homemade costumes, head’s stuck in stairs, ballet classes, horse-riding, overseas holidays, frog fear, tantrums about dinner, horses, tantrums about breakfast, reading, tantrums about bed, fairies, tantrums about weekends, Care bears, tantrums Monday through Sunday and Lego.

 Jenny began to get older and more beautiful; she was becoming a teacher, a philosopher, a best friend and an inspiration. This led to a transformation and emotional maturity. Well maybe not that much emotional maturity as her nepotism for children that were her own lead her to a newer (and far less adorable) baby boy. Much quieter than the first, his head of shocking hair and bright eyes meant he looked like a goblin baby. The tripping and floating began again as she re-defined growing up through pink tutu’s, shaved heads, Hercules, Starship troopers, more overseas holidays, sibling rivalry and gherkins. 

Her fondness for children grew into a teaching empire but none were adored as much as her special two. She managed to instill in their lives a sense of possibility coupled with the gifts of knowledge and adventure and as they grew out of children and into actual adults, a job well done was clear for all to see. She had managed two children filled with light and happiness; ready to face the world, cleverly she had bestowed upon them the ideologies of music, literature, humor, art, kindness and understanding. Sometimes she could see that there was still a lot of growing up to do, and as she continued on with her own amazing adventures she realized that this lofty pursuit that began in her younger years might never actually be finished and that this was a lifelong teaching venture that would continue long after she was gone.

 One day her eldest child was all grown up and decided it was time to reflect on her origins and consequently she began to discover what a charming mother she had. A mother who can be defined by the color blue, rock bands, eating toast for dinner, skulls, atheism, singing, black hair, eloquent writing, beautiful art, books, teaching and her children (possessing only a slight inclination for inept multitasking). A singer, creator, philosopher and teacher of wisdom. My Mother.


Happy Mothers Day